Title: Watching Jack
Author: Brenda
Author Page: Brenda
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Daniel spends some time watching Jack.
Category: ER; smarm;
Spoilers: None. Set in S3.
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.
Timed out from the zine Pretense I

The soft glow of the bedside light casts a golden illumination on the sleeping man in the bed. I stand in the doorway for a long time, listening to the sound of his soft snores. I'd been needed at base to help with a particularly difficult translation and knew I wouldn't get away until late. Against my objections Jack insisted he'd wait up for me, but I'm glad he fell asleep. We'd all been run a little ragged due to some pretty rough missions lately, and I was getting worried about the signs of tiredness I could see in him. I step quietly into the bedroom, careful not to disturb him, and remove my clothes. I'd showered at the base before coming home, and I slip into a robe to ward off the chill of the room, then sink into the overstuffed chair by the window. We moved it in here because Jack said it would be a great place for me to sit and read. But I found a better use for it: it's my favorite place to watch Jack.

Shrugging a little deeper into my robe I make myself comfortable and indulge in one of my favorite past times. It's rare to see Jack so still. He's usually always moving. If he's in my office he wanders around picking up anything I don't have nailed down; he's been known to juggle precious alien artifacts if I'm not paying attention. Even if we're in the living room relaxing in front of the TV, he's not really still. His hand will be on my thigh, caressing, stroking, squeezing; his lips will be nuzzling my ear. Pretty much anything to distract me from whatever I happen to be reading. When we're on a mission he never relaxes his vigilance; his eyes miss nothing, his hands always have his weapon at the ready, he always knows where I am. It's only at times like these that I have a chance to watch him like this, to look my fill without embarrassing him.

He's lying on his side facing my side of the bed, and he's got my pillow half-stuffed under his face. I do the same thing with his pillow when he's not around, just so I can have the scent of him with me as I fall asleep. There's a lot of silver in his hair now - I almost forget what he looked like without it - but he is a man who has definitely aged with grace. That grizzled hair is incredibly soft, and it amuses him that I love to play with it. His face, which is so often guarded and closed when he's awake - except with me - is completely relaxed in sleep, those little lines around his eyes that crinkle when he smiles or squints into the sun, almost invisible now. He carries so much responsibility each day, wearing his command like a second skin, that I am always so grateful when I can see him like this, at peace.

Of course, sleep doesn't always bring him peace. Sometimes it brings nightmares. Terrible, screaming nightmares; memories of horrors I can't begin to imagine. I always feel so helpless at those times, but I wrap myself around him, hold him tight and try to bring him back to me. Sometimes it takes a long time. And sometimes, after the worst is over, he talks to me about them; but most of the times he doesn’t. I don’t know what he thinks he's protecting me from, but I never press him about it. I think it's usually enough for him that I'm there with him, holding him, anchoring him to the here-and-now.

He murmurs something in his sleep and pulls my pillow closer with a possessiveness that makes me smile. He's not the only one who's possessive. I've finally found soul-deep happiness in my life, and no one and nothing is going to take him away from me. I know Jack thinks he's the one protecting me on our missions, but I've got news for him: I'm watching his back every minute. He may think I completely lose myself in my work when we're off-world, but I know where he is every minute, and at the first hint of trouble I'm the first one by his side.

His eyelids quiver, and I wonder what he's dreaming about. Something good, I hope. He deserves good dreams, and he deserves a good life. I do my damnedest to make him happy. As both of us are pretty independent as well as stubborn, we do have our moments, but those moments are short-lived. The simple truth is I'm happiest when I'm with Jack; and I think he's happiest when he's with me. In the time I've known Jack I've seen a lot of changes in him, and they're all good changes. I like to think I had something to do with some of them. I know I've had something to do with the fact that when he smiles now, that smile reaches his eyes.

And speaking of his eyes...I know he needs his sleep, but I almost wish he'd wake up, just so I can see that look in his eyes that only I ever see. Our bed in the one place where he can be completely unguarded when he sleeps and when he wakes up. He doesn't have to worry about the safety of his team during the night or become the commanding officer the instant he opens his eyes. And we don't have to treat each other like we're merely good friends and team mates. Here, half the time he wakes up in my arms. The other half I wake up in his. It's a good arrangement and one I could live with...for the rest of my life.

He's getting restless. Love the way he scrunches up his face like that. Especially love the way he pushes the cover down. Oh, now there's a sight. My forty-four year old, silver-haired colonel with bad knees - and a body that would put a twenty-year-old to shame. I've tasted every scar on that body, old and new, have felt the strength of those arms as they held me safe, and have been deeply and completely loved by a man who, by his own confession, was afraid he had lost the capacity to love. He hasn't. Jack's capacity to love is somewhere around boundless.

I take a moment to let my gaze travel down his chest to the now visible bare thigh. He's like a panther, all that power and intelligence contained in a long, lean body, fluid and graceful; beautiful, yet with an almost palpable aura of danger surrounding him. I've seen hardened criminals twice his size move out of his way when he's in hard-ass colonel mode. And I've seen children respond to his natural kindness and understanding when they wouldn't respond to anyone else. He's a man of many talents is my colonel. A man of complexity, and yet a man of simplicity. A man I know better than I know myself, and yet a man who can still surprise me.

"Hey."

A sleep-roughened voice brings me out of my thoughts and I find myself being studied by a pair of dark brown eyes.

"Hey," I return softly.

He lifts up the covers in invitation. "What'cha doing out there when you could be in here?"

"I have no idea," I admit, shucking off my robe and quickly sliding in under the covers to join him.

"You're cold!" My skin is cool from the time I've spent sitting in the chair, and he immediately wraps arms and legs around me, covering me with a living, breathing blanket of Jack O'Neill.

I burrow gratefully into the heat he offers and press my face against his neck, happily breathing in the scent of him. Oh yes. It's like coming home, every time.

Warm lips nuzzle at my ear as he slides his hands up and down my back. "What were you doing out there?"

I raise my head and find his mouth. Sometimes, even for me, actions speak louder than words, and I spend a long time communicating with the man I love, trying to tell him exactly what I'd been thinking as I watched him sleep. When we finally part, both of us a little breathless, I tuck my head under his chin and rub my cheek against the hair on his chest, surrounding myself with the scent and feel of Jack. I never feel more safe, more loved, than times like these.

"Counting my blessings," I whisper, feeling his arms tighten around me. "Counting my blessings."

*Fin*