EVIL!CLONE JACK'S THOUGHT DIARY 2000

EDITOR'S NOTE: It has long been theorized that the O'Neill of early S4 must have been a clone. However, there was no evidence of this until the Season Seven episode "Fragile Balance" aired and it was revealed that the Asgard really do clone members of the SGC for kicks. Further investigation uncovered the terrible truth. The Jack O'Neill of "Nemesis" and subsequent episodes really was a clone and what's more was keeping a Thought Diary which Thor had saved to disk. In the confusion of the events of "Fragile Balance", the Thought Diary passed into the possession of Teal'c and Daniel. When challenged, Thor denied all knowledge of another O'Neill clone and is still refusing to confirm or deny the existence of a Major Samantha Carter Clone Thought Diary. This was inspired by the music vid Bed by Rhian and Joo. Check it out here. Thanks for permission to link. :-)

NEMESIS

Can you believe the luck I have? Everyone knows that one sniff of a wine gum and Daniel’s anyone’s and I’d bought a whole packet! I had everything prepared for that ‘fishing trip’ – alcohol, lube, handcuffs. I’d even bought a fishing rod to make it look like it wasn’t just about me getting Daniel into bed! And then Daniel has to go and bust his appendix. How inconsiderate could the geek be? Well, I’m not hanging around here keeping him company the way I remember doing in the past. I want sex, damnit, and I want it three hours ago. He’s not even good for a blow job like this. I wonder what Carter’s doing? She has no life and the last time she got laid flares were in fashion so she ought to be gagging for it by now. She’s always wanting me to act like she’s my buddy despite her totally having tits, so I’ll go and play the ‘friend’ card. That should do it.

Argh! Horrible being beamed up sensation!

Damn! Damn! Damn! I almost had her! I swear she was about to agree to come ‘fishing’ with me any second. I’d given her the puppy dog eyes and everything. I didn't even have to buy her a drink!

Why the heck am I on this ship? How am I supposed to have sex on an empty ship? Well, there’s always my right hand but…

Thor! Oh it’s Thor. I love Thor. Thor gives me squirmy squishy feelings in my most secret places. Must stay with Thor and hold his hand and stroke his stomach and gaze into his eyes. Ooh Thor, Thor, Thor…

Damn! Carter and Teal’c trying to muscle in on my special time with Thor, eh? I’ll show ‘em. Yeah, go and take a moonwalk without any oxygen, symbol-head. And, Carter, get the hell away from my Asgard, you sex-starved hussy. He’s mine, I tell you! Mine!

SMALL VICTORIES

Yeah, yeah, all excited to see us back are you now, Dannyboy? Where were you when I wanted to have sex? I’ve been stuck on a boring planet with Carter and Teal'c for ten days and she still won’t put out. Every time I try to lead the conversation that way she starts looking like she’s in Brief Encounter and talking about the regulations and how we have to be professional, then talking in a choked up way about how much I mean to her and she knows she means a lot to me too but she doesn’t want to risk the integrity of the unit. Why should she think us sharing a sleeping bag for three deeply meaningful minutes is going to affect the way I treat her in the field anyway? I don’t want to talk to her afterwards or anything. Actually, Daniel’s looking kinda good. Very good in fact, and he was worrying his pretty little head about harm coming to me, was he? Maybe just drop a reference to the shower in there and a little jerk of the head. See if he’s smart enough to get this is supposed to be an assignation.

Hah! I should have known the geek was too dumb to know when he was supposed to be meeting me in the showers for a quick round of Hide The Soap. Back to Carter it is then. I’ll use the famous O'Neill winsome charm. See if that works.

Not bad. She’s definitely getting kinda fluttery around me. Damned silly hair but hell right now if it’s got a pulse and is more or less humanoid it’s looking good to me. Daniel's easy but too slow to work out when I’m coming onto him and Carter’s smarter but tends to play harder to get. I’ll keep working on both of them and see if Wonder Boy gets a moment of revelation before Carter gets around to overcoming her inhibitions.

God, Dannyboy is so totally *into* me. He’s like the smittenest kitten in the history of smittendom. I need to get myself into a few more life threatening situations, pronto. He is so going to let me do anything I want to him just out of relief I’m still alive.

Thor! It’s Thor! I love Thor! Thor is so dreamy! Thor is so…! Cool! Dinky little Asgard palantir wannabe gizmo means I can see what’s going on in the SGC. Hey! Back off, Davis! Daniel’s mine. He may be a dumb geek but he’s MY dumb geek and anyway he’s my back up plan in case Carter won’t come across!

Talking of Carter, why are she and Thor looking at each other like that? What?? He shared the yellow ones with her??? Brazen slut-hussy! Get away from my Asgard!

Wayhey! Freaky people but COOL weapons! God is Daniel whiney or is Daniel whiney? Ethical this. Morality that. Doesn't he ever shut up? Okay I have totally told him to shut up now. God, that felt good. Except now he's giving me The Look. Damn. I am so not getting any if I don't tell him I'm sorry. I know. I'll make physical contact. Give me your hand, Daniel. There we go. I'm being intense. I'm being so sincere. I'm holding his hand just a little longer than is strictly necessary and he's like totally flustered now and thinking how handsome I am. Hah! Works every time. Okay, that Alar is pissing me off now. Make like a bug on a windshield, Alar! Damn, now Carter's giving me The Look! What is with these two? I am so not going any tonight. Life sucks.

UPGRADES

Great tits on that Tok'ra babe! She’s like a complete b*tch but I think she’s totally into me and you gotta love a girl who can defy gravity like that. Cool Tok'ra technology! I’m stronger and have an even quicker recovery time than usual. Oh Dannyboy…? Wanna suck on my PowerBar…?

Damn! Teal’c’s taken Daniel away just as he was like totally weaker than me and unconscious – just the way I like ‘em. Hell, now all these forcefields have come down and I’m stuck here with no way out. Okay, what would Thor do in a situation like this? Maybe he’s watching? Maybe he’s going to beam me out of here any second now? Okay, this is a good opportunity to get in with Carter. I swear a couple of times when I told her about my heightened powers she was close to putting out so if I give her the old ‘I so wouldn’t leave you to die behind that force field’ thing, she may not remember I don’t have anywhere I can go anyway as I have another damned force field blocking my exit.

Well, that was totally worth it. Carter is as into me as Dannyboy now. I just need to persuade her that letting me shag her so isn’t against the regulations and I’m in! Go, me! I totally rock!

CROSSROADS

Yeah. Yeah. Teal'c’s old girlfriend is dead. Very sad and tragic. But how come he gets to have sex and I don’t? Where’s Daniel?

DIVIDE & CONQUER

Thank Christ Marty bought the farm and not me. He was competition anyway. Carter has memories of doin’ it with him and it wasn’t even against the regs so I’m glad he’s a stiff now - and not in a good way! I thought the ‘it doesn’t leave the room’ plan was pretty smart. Am I noble and self sacrificing or am I noble and self sacrificing? Who isn’t going to think I’m like the hottest stud in the SGC now, eh? Come on, Carter. Stop letting your knickers disprove Newton’s theories and drop em already, will ya? Thank god Anise stuck her tongue down my throat anyway. I would have jumped her but women can never keep their traps shut and she’s got two of ‘em in there to rat me out to Carter and Daniel. If I can just get those two to come across I’m going to have variety *and* convenience never further than a short drive away.

WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY

I am so bored I think I may have to… Oh. My. God. You know, Daniel, for a dumb geek who can’t even grasp what ‘meet me in the storage closet on sub-level 22 for a quickie’ means you are a smart cookie sometimes.  No Consequences. None of any kind. I am SO getting laid!

It’s amazing. Daniel has fallen for that crummy chat up line twenty-one loops in succession. He is so into me! I am so getting lots of sex! Need some variety though. Where’s Carter?

Hah! I knew it! I kissed her in front of everyone – which was such a buzz – and now I know the truth – she so wants me! Okay, Carter, let’s try that again shall we and how about this time if you *don’t* bang on endlessly about the stupid regulations? You know you think I’m the hottest thing to ever walk the earth, and you know what? You’re right! I am! You know you want me so why don’t you and me just do the horizontal tango right now?

Argh! Horrible being beamed up sensation!

It’s Thor! Oh Thor! I love Thor. What, you want me to stay here with you for a while? But how will they manage down there without me? You’ll take care of it? Are you sure? But…oh, Thor… Oh God… Oh, Thor…! Oh…THOR….!