~*~
Quick now, here, now, always--
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flames are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one.

- T.S. Eliot, The Four Quartets: Little Gidding V
~*~

A condition of complete simplicity...

I can't believe how close we came to losing him. Getting to be a goddamn habit lately. Daniel's always played closer to the edge of death than I've been comfortable with; hell, he's jumped over it more times than any human ought to...jumped straight at it that first mission and saved my sorry ass.

When Rothman came through and told us Daniel had been hauled off by an Unas, my gut froze into one big knot of uncertainty that never once stopped through the long hike following the trail of those huge alien footprints. At first they were interspersed with the clear outline of a body being dragged by the legs, then later by the arms. I was never so happy in my life to see Daniel's size ten footprints, stumbling though they were, finally take the place of the imprint of his body in the dirt. Our first hope that he was still alive, or had been in the few hours prior that Teal'c promised the prints had been made.

We found his radio later, by some bushes, and the plastic bag I knew he kept his recorder in on dig sites. So we knew he was alive enough to talk, and something in me just knew he was talking to himself; it's Daniel's way to talk through his fear, I just remember hoping he didn't prattle on too much and piss off the Unas.

Should have known better. Should have known Daniel better. Once we'd figured out Hawkins and Rothman had been infested by the primordial goa'uld and did what we had to - damn, hate that - then finally found Daniel's markings on the cave wall, I knew he'd be alive when we found him.

Yeah, alive and apparently buddies with the Unas kid who kidnapped him. And I realized Daniel had talked his way through another crisis, made another unlikely pal and kept himself alive so we could find him. The way he looked over at us when we came into that cavern in the middle of an Unas power play, I could see he still had faith we'd make it in time. Listening to the tape tonight after Carter got him all bandaged up, Teal'c fed him, and I parked myself at his side so he could feel safe enough to sleep, I could hear the hope in his voice. A couple of times he even talked to me, jokes and reassurances, no words of goodbye. He knew we'd come, knew I'd come, and didn't give up.

Daniel never gives up.

I look around the camp to see Carter asleep, Teal'c doing his meditation thing, and let my hand drift down to rest on Daniel's head. He looks beat, the cut on his cheek stands out harshly against his pale skin. Soft skin, soft thick hair. The sensation rushes through me, going straight to my groin and finally giving a name to the feelings I've been working hard to ignore for so long.

Love.

Simple as that, hard as that.

I'm in love with Daniel.

Costing not less than everything...

Son of a bitch...

What have I done? Damn near killed Daniel. Pushed that button knowing he was up there on that ship, and the odds of him not getting off in time.

Damn, damn, damn...

It was necessary, I keep telling myself that. But was it? Really? I felt like I had to, needed to do it in order to stop that ship before it destroyed the only world the Enkarans could survive on.

But, then, it wasn't the only world, was it?

Daniel and Lotan found the Enkaran's real home, the one the goa'uld had stolen them away from thousands of years ago.

Now the Enkarans are on their way home, with an adopted robot-clansman, and we're watching the ship disappear into the atmosphere.

I'm standing less than three feet from Daniel, but I don't think we've ever been further apart.

He keeps giving me these sidelong looks, waiting to see how much I'm going to yell at him. I didn't miss that little Dr. Daniel Jackson Special Number 5 avoidance maneuver earlier. He expected me to be mad and cleanly got away before I could stop him. Literally.

What the hell was he thinking going back up there knowing - knowing damn it - that our time and options were about to run out.

'Trying to give you another option...'

Oh, that's great. Now he's arguing with me in my head; like I don't get enough of that in real life, technicolor, full-screen Daniel.

No, that isn't really fair. He was right, from where he was standing. I was right, too. Just his way was more right and he proved it with seconds to spare. Carter counted them down, the seconds. Five - four - three - two - boom. Another couple of seconds and it wouldn't have mattered anyway; Daniel would have died and I...wouldn't have been able to live with the decision I made. I know that.

I give Daniel a nod as we turn and head back to the gate, let him know I'm glad he's alive, but I can't quite look him in the eye yet. We're all too quiet as we walk, each of us caught up in our own piece of guilt over what just almost happened.

Carter didn't want to build that bomb, I made her do it. But she did it, and I know she's feeling guilty about how close her jury-rigged reactor came to killing Daniel.

Teal'c, harder to figure, but even though he said he approved of Daniel's choice, I know he was just as torn up inside as I was knowing what that choice almost led Daniel to. Teal'c and I, we protect the team, it's our job, but we couldn't protect Daniel from himself - or from us.

Me...well, I can't seem to get rid of this lump in my gut. It's been there since the countdown, even seeing the bomb go off above the ship and not under it didn't stop it. I looked straight in the face of a future without Daniel and I didn't want it.

Sneaking another look over at Daniel, I see that his forehead is crinkled up in hyper-thought mode. Wonder what the hell is churning around in there?

He looks up at me suddenly, maybe feeling that he's being watched, and smiles a little. His eyes talk to me, figuratively speaking. He's sorry he put me in the position of pushing the button on him. He's not sorry he saved the Gad'meer, wouldn't expect him to be, but he is sorry for what it did to me.

I'm sorry, too, and I can see him read that and accept it with a slow nod and a smile. As we head after Teal'c and Carter, I put a hand on his shoulder and squeeze, enjoying the solid presence I came so close to losing, and for the first time in hours my stomach starts to relax.

Daniel is here, alive and well and as stubborn as ever, and I couldn't be happier about it.

He leans into my hand and smiles up at me again. It feels good, natural, like we belong this way and always have.

Maybe we aren't so far apart after all.

And all shall be well...

Too close. Just too damn close.

The air in here is stale and uniquely Tok'ra, but I've never been so glad to be breathing. Especially with Daniel looking down at me with eyes full of relief and - -

Damn, is that what I think it is?

Glad the others are behind him, because there is no way in hell they couldn't read him as well as I can.

Love.

Looking down at me and showing all the pain coming so close to losing everything paints there like a big neon sign. I should know, I've seen it in the mirror enough times when we've almost lost Daniel.

Damn.

Hot damn.

All this time and I thought I was alone in this.

I give him a quiet 'hey,' really all I'm up for at the moment, and make some crack to Jacob knowing the sooner I convince them I'm okay, the sooner they'll all clear out and go back to flying this tub home. Get them out of here so I can talk to Daniel alone.

For whatever reason, they get the message and leave.

Daniel walks me over to one of the cargo platforms, head down, not meeting my eyes again as he covers me up with a blanket. Space is a damn cold place, you know, and I'm starting to shiver as the adrenaline runs out and my head clears up from the lack of oxygen on the glider.

Too close.

Another few minutes and I'd have been dead and never known Daniel loved me too. And that's just too unthinkable to dwell on.

All through those cold hours of waiting with Teal'c comatose in kel’no’reem, all I could think about was Daniel, remembering all the times I'd come close to telling him how I felt, imagining the ways he'd react.

A hard-on in a flight suit is its own form of torture.

Daniel is just sitting here next to me, contemplating his boots. Looks pretty hot in that black camo, too.

I move a little closer to him, snaking my hand out from under the blanket to touch his cheek like I've had to stop myself from doing so many times before.

Ah, light dawning. He looks up, forehead all wrinkled up as he searches my eyes looking for the truth I know he can see there. The barriers are all down, no more secrets. The feelings between us fall into place with the click of two puzzle pieces joining and I know, we both know, there's no going back now.

Thank God.

All manner of thing shall be well....

I've been courting Daniel for a month or so now.

Yes, courting.

I think he deserves that, deserves more, but for now that's what I want and what I think he needs. Face it, Daniel has never been really lucky when it comes to love and I want him to feel how special he is to me. We've necked a little - okay, a lot - but the rest I've been pretty insistent on taking slow. Hard to hold back when just kissing him is a torture of the sweetest kind, and we had our first fight over going all the way one night. I wanted to, God knows, but I was still catching those little looks from him that told me he was having trouble accepting I was in it for the long haul.

Which was why he ended up in Chicago alone while I dragged Teal'c off to make him as miserable as I was. I'll have to buy him some candles or something, wasn't his fault I was a sexually frustrated wreck trying to come to terms with my relationship with my adorable, but infuriatingly insecure hopefully soon to be lover.

I was an ass when Daniel called on the cellphone, I know it, I admitted it, and when I got back to find him bruised and contused from an up close and personal encounter with yet another goa'uld, sleeping on my couch no less, I told him as much.

It took me a while to get all the details, but one thing was clear - Daniel wasn't holding back anymore. He believed in me, believed in us, and I didn't see any more shadows of doubt in his eyes.

I took care of him for a few days, made him rest because I could see very well he hadn't been sleeping, fed him for the same reason, and hugged him through the nightmares that came along with seeing someone else he cared about lost to the goa'uld. And we talked, about everything, things we'd always skirted around, revealing more to each other than anyone else, but still held back on.

The things we'd been feeling just grew exponentially. I hadn't thought it possible to love him even more, but it was. And the absence of shadows in his eyes told me all I needed to know about his faith in us.

It was time.

When the tongues of flames are in-folded...

The call back to Abydos interrupted my trysting plans.

The Harsesis' little dream quest put a huge kink in them. I couldn't relax the whole time Daniel was out of it in the infirmary. Dreams teach, the kid said. But the kid had never spent a night holding on to Daniel while his dreams wracked through his body with shuddering force, had never come awake in a panic at the screams and whimpers Daniel's ghosts could pull out of him. Daniel has more than his fair share of ghosts, both of us do, and I couldn't stand that the kid had sent him to a place that I couldn't follow. When Daniel finally did wake up, his eyes were haunted. New ghosts. He seemed so sad, and his talk about a new path frankly scared the shit out of me.

Would that path be away from me?

I drove home in a fog of doubt and fear. Daniel had disappeared as soon as he'd logged his report. I read what he wrote about the dream. It wasn't too hard to read between the lines and know he'd be feeling pretty damn guilty about becoming that alternate Daniel, even though it was a dream.

Daniel's always had the dark side in there, wouldn't be human not to, but he's always given himself hell over it. We all have those darknesses down deep where we hope we never have to touch them, and when they rear up and bite us on the ass, it's a shocker. I've known guys with a lot less reason for it than Daniel to give into the dark, go nuts and blow up all over everyone around them...or go totally black and forget every moral thought they ever had.

That won't happen to Daniel, I know it even if he doesn't. The dream gave him a taste of a maybe. Maybe he would go that far if he had the power to make it happen, maybe I could pull a trigger on him to save thousands of lives if he did. But it's all a maybe.

He's sitting on my porch when I get home. Didn't use his key to go in, like he's not sure he's still welcome. I just pull him up and hang on until I feel him sigh against me, putting every ounce of the love and faith I have for him into the gesture. He nods finally, looking up to gauge the extent of my certainty.

Then he kisses me.

I get us inside, holding back just enough to get us safely across the threshold. I turn on the light and take a good long look at him. No doubts, no fear, no shadows.

Just love.

Into the crowned knot of fire...

I lead us back to the bedroom, kissing him every step. We take turns at getting each other naked, and we're almost there by the time the back of my knees hit the bed. He's still got his pants, I still have pants and one shoe. I kick the shoe off and let him unzip my pants while I explore the impressively smooth muscle of his shoulder. He's good with zippers, and I feel his hands slide over my ass pushing the pants down and away along with my boxers. I step out of them and slide down his body with my tongue, stopping at all the places where he shivers with pleasure, marking the spots for future reference with nips that leave little red marks I'm careful not to bite hard enough to bruise.

I work my way down to his waistband and unbuckle his belt, already feeling the hardness of his cock pushing against the restraint. I can't help feeling a little smug at the rush that gives me.

The zipper gives with a little tug of my teeth and I feel his hands dig into my shoulders at the stimulation. I push his pants away and carefully pull his boxers over his cock and down.

Gorgeous.

I look up and see him, flushed with pleasure and trembling from what I'm doing to him.

Fucking gorgeous.

He focuses on me, eyes shining with love and lust combined to form the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. I scoot back on the bed and bring him with me, moving back in for a kiss as our bodies slide together and we get comfortable.

Comfortable isn't a good enough word. This is pure heaven, with icing, and cherries....

He's looking at me with a frown, "What?"

I just shake my head. Words aren't nearly good enough to describe what I'm feeling here, now. I'll just have to show him.

I dip in for a kiss and roll us until I'm on top. He looks up with a dazed smile and I have to kiss him again, slow and easy. His cock rises between us, figures that it's as curious as he is. I shift just a little, letting both our cocks rest together against his stomach and give an experimental rub.

The sensation is almost enough to bring me off right away. I've wanted this all my life and only now is it becoming clear to me how much.

Daniel is moaning low in his throat and I can see him fight for the control that we're both so close to losing. I gentle his head between my hands, talking him down until I feel him relax. He arches his neck to kiss me, pure need translating itself through his tongue to ripple through my entire body. We both want this so much, too much and I think we both know we can't make it last.

Okay, if we can't make it long, we can definitely make it memorable. I reach into the nightstand drawer for the lubricant I bought when I was planning the first seduction and fill my hand, warming the oily stuff in my palm before reaching between us to coat our cocks liberally. Daniel is nipping away at my chest, legs splaying out to give me greater access to his center, his body granting permission for me to come inside.

"Next time," I promise him, finding his mouth and drinking deep of the sweet flavor of Daniel. The rhythm of our bodies is echoed by our tongues, synchronous, perfectly in tune. Rise and fall, push and pull, need and desire melding into motion that only seems to kindle the fire that has always been there into flames that threaten to consume us and leave only ashes in its wake.

It's too good to last, too good not to want it to....

I come first, pulling him to me with a moan as I feel his body thrust upward against me, reveling in the heat of my orgasm and then he stiffens in my arms and explodes with a moaning sigh. He's beautiful, the picture of perfect pleasure and I'm overcome by the knowledge that we belong together, like this, and will be for as long as fate allows. I kiss him softly as he edges back down and feel his hands roaming across my back in slow circles. The fire is banked, but the heat is still there, just waiting for us to breathe, recover and spark it all over again.

And the fire and the rose are one...

Daniel is joined to me, my cock snug and warm inside him as he moves against me in slow easy strokes. It didn't take long for us to spark the fire again; just a look and a kiss were enough. I think they'll always be enough.

I didn't expect him to do this, didn't realize he knew enough to prepare himself when he was in the bathroom. I almost panicked when I realized he'd lined me up against his opening and pushed back until I was inside. It was so smooth; I knew right off what he'd done. I was torn between being thrilled at the sensation, inanely jealous that he would be so knowledgeable about it - followed quickly by the realization that he'd probably been researching - things - since we'd got back from our little Major Tom stunt, and then concern that it might hurt him.

The way he's grinning, I don't think pain is a factor in this particular exercise. I shake my head, pulling him down for a long kiss while my hands stroke the smooth mass of his back, kneading the tightness off his ass, then move between us to stroke his cock. He moans low in his throat, setting up a vibration in my mouth that does my ego a world of good. I try to thrust in counterpoint to his movements, setting up a pace that's comfortable for both of us, feeling a shudder run through his body as I find his prostate.

I've been doing a little research too.

I have no expectations that things are always going to be easy for us, there's still a lot to talk about concerning work, and life in general. We'll have to be careful if we want to stay in the program, stay together on SG1. But we'll do it. And if, someday, it comes to a choice between Daniel and staying at the SGC - well, I know where I belong.

Daniel is looking down at me now and I can read his commitment there too. We belong together now; nothing is ever going to change that. We won't let it.

I laugh and pull him down for another kiss, this is not the time for thought, it's the time to feel.

Here, now, always.


~fin~